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The Double Crossing Of Two Faced Fred

B-side of I Want To Be A Tree

Fiction FICS 21 - 08/84


"if trees grow in the forest...

...Pap grow in the trees"


One Dark Night

Oh, must be a year ago

I was lying in Bed -

That's me and Flo


Flo was roaring and snoring

But I could not sleep

See, me head was splitting

From counting up Sheep





Yeah, someone - uh - spoke...


I kept me head, though -

I'm that sort of bloke

Well, I turns on me Lamp

To view this Intruder

"Begone !", says I


Or was it something ruder ?


I couln't see Nothing

Now the Light was clearer.

But as I turns past the Mirror

I see 2 eyes

In the back of me Head


Then a nose.


Then a mouth.


Its tongue a luminous Red


"Thrrrp", said the Head

"Just call me Fred"


"Well, that's my name too"


I said


To Fred.


The aforesaid.




Well, we Nattered and Chattered

Till the break of Dawn

In fact till Flo

Woke up

With a Yawn


Fretted Flo to Fred :

"Oh, he's never cared a Fig for me

Oh, The Fred I wed's a Freak

But to wed Two Heads -

Is this bigamy ?"


Said Fred :

"Dunno, but it's unique"


Flo pointed to the Door

More abuse was hurled

So Fred and me

Agreed to leave

To go and see the World


Arriving in Watford

(Via the course, of course)

Says I :

"I'm so hungry -I could eat a Horse"

"Banish thy pangs" - said Fred

"I'll do better for Thee

I'll catch us a sheep

We'll have cutlets

For Tea"


Well, I was keeping watch

Whilst Fred was seeking Sheep

But I counted two accidentally

And soon dropped off to sleep...


Fred went on perpetrating

This nasty, ghastly Crime

When :

"'ello, 'ello, 'ello",

said a voice behind.


The lawman said :

"You'll lose your head !"

Me eyes begun to run

So did Fred

(the aforesaid Head)


Already, I'd lost one.


"Sheep rustling ! Mmmm",

said the Judge

seizing his black hat

"I could put you

behind baaa's

Or cut off your Head".


And all he said was That.


They skewered me Head

On a Tower Bridge pike

It's a little bit Windy

But the view I like


'Ere, guess who I see courting

Caught in a Traffic Jam ?

Yeah, Fred

Sporting me headless Body

Supporting me old Ma'am


Fretted Fred to me :

(the aforesaid Head)

"Like me Body ?

It's new

I stuck me Head on

With Glue

I live in your old House

I love your old Spouse

Even She think's I'm you



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